Back to school (or starting school for the first time)

My life has done a full U-turn and now I’m facing the back to school (or starting school) doom I used to have as a teenager.  That’s a lie, I used to enjoy going back in September, only for the first week to catch up with my friends and then I’d rather be back at home lounging around watching TV, or sunbathing (it was the 90’s, Summers were actually Summers then, the sun came out).

I’m prepping Bertie for his first September at school.  The reality is, he couldn’t care less what he’s wearing or doing as long as it involves seeing his friends and having fun, it’s me who needs the prepping.


I know I shouldn’t have this feeling but I do feel extremely ….dare I say it?…… smug, there I said it <sits and waits patiently for it to come back and bite me in the ass>.

Why do I feel like this (Nb. I can’t bring myself to use the word again)? Because:

  1. I bought most of Bertie’s uniform before the schools broke up for Summer holidays.
  2. I went to John Lewis children’s shoes department and bought shoes, which they had in his size and I liked.
  3. It was all labelled two weeks ago.

Check me out, the organized mother, who knew it was possible? I certainly didn’t.  I have no idea how my Mum sat for hours on end, sewing name labels into everything, I bought the sticky labels, all done in less than 10 minutes.  I did consider the sewing in ones but why would I waste my precious hours doing that when I could be watching Eastenders on an evening.

 Shopping for it all really wasn’t as stressful as I anticipated, it was done in three trips and two different shops.

I thought the shoe buying was going to be the most stressful experience I’ve would have since trying to leave the house with a pre schooler and newborn baby but I was happily proved wrong.  John Lewis did however try and convince me Bertie needed Clarks daps (plimsols/pumps for those who don’t speak Bristolian).  Ok, I know my track record with buying cheapo i.e. the Packa crap hasn’t proved me a savvy buyer, however why would I spend £9.50 on Clarks ones when BHS were selling them for £1.35???????? Really why, why, why???? He’s FOUR YEARS OLD, he’ll wear them until the toes are scrapped off 10 minutes later.


BHS rock for the basic uniform, M&S did not that day.  M&S are rubbish when you really need something specific i.e. school uniform in generic colours, age 4-5.  Anyone would think it’s the place to go, NOPE, IT, IS, NOT.  I gave up after realizing they didn’t have four of the five things I required.  BHS visit, BOOM, everything I needed.


The waiting patiently for my smugness to bite me in the bum has paid off.


Apparently Bertie had homework over the summer holidays.  Yes the child who can only manage to write an “X” for X marks the spot on treasure maps.  He has a “About me” poster to produce.  Who knew?????? I DID NOT.  I found out via Facebook “do we have to do the “About me” on A3 or A4?”  WTF, I knew nothing about this, nor is there anything in the handbook of rules the school gave me.  I told my husband, the conversation went similar to this:


Me: OMG, Bertie had homework over the summer, the child who can’t write his name has to do a poster “About me”, bloody hell.


Husband: Yeah I know, they told us about it in the meeting we went to.


ME: WTF, why didn’t you tell me????


Husband: You were in the meeting as well, anyway it’s not my job, <puts on caveman voice> me man, me build house, you woman, you sort everything there is to do with children and make me delicious cakes.


Me: Bell-end, you should have told me.

 (Disclaimer: This was not the exact conversation, the caveman voice didn’t happen but my the final line is very accurate)

Clearly this is all my husbands fault and Bertie starts school very soon and it’s not done.  Not only am I expected to label BLOODY EVERYTHING, even socks, I have to create a piece of artwork/presentation (which probably needs to meet the standard of a high ranking corporate company).  I feel this one piece of paper will either propel my son into popularity or hinder his chances (I know I’m being irrational but it’s my first born heading to what feels like University, not reception class), this is NOT going to be easy.

<sobs quietly into my illegal cup of tea with milk, whilst wondering where sells A3 paper and what happened to the Minions stickers>.

Even though the rest of my sons school life is dependent on this piece of paper, I’ve sat on my backside all day watching The Lion King and Minions. We’ll do it tomorrow, just in time for tuesday, why change a habbit of a lifetime?

I’m not mentally prepared for leaving him at the school door.  I keep thinking I could keep him home forever, the result would be, he’ll be a social outcast and we’ll kill each other.  On that note, school seems like an excellent idea, roll on Tuesday.